Various Rambling

Okay so I was talking to the older guy I met yesterday about Michelle. I asked him for advice on the situation. He talked about his experiences with his friend and said that some things that friends fight over are so trivial and you really shouldn't let things like that get in the way of a good friendship. I really don't know if me and Michelle really had a "good friendship." We both really were rather distant towards one another. Although we hung out like all the time we still were unsure around one another. I felt that. I wonder if that is fixable? We were friends for like three years. In those three years we did have some good times. We had some great conversations and it kind of felt like we were family. I feel like we had a lot in common. But then I also feel like there were a lot of things that both of us were annoyed by. She probably was annoyed by some of my childish ways, some of my selfishness, my procastination, my mood swings, etc. But I'm trying to change a lot of that because I myself am annoyed by it. I know I was annoyed by the fact that her Dad had to be involved in everything. I don't hate him or anything like that. It's just that most young adults don't hang out with their Dads like all the time. Nothing is wrong with having a close relationship with your parent. But when it becomes kind of over excessive then it is a problem to me. So I was rationalizing whether or not our friendship is worth saving. I keep wondering if she's thinking the same thing. I don't know. It seems like she probably thinks I was the problem the whole time. I can be annoying it's true. I think it was 50/50. In a situation involving two parties both share the blame in my opinion. We both have some rather unsettling attributes about us. And I felt that a lot of the time we didn't say what we really wanted to say to one another. I also feel like I possibly took advantage of her kindness. But then again I don't think she understood my life completely. I feel as though we came from two different worlds. And then there was the whole "Black, Black, Black" thing. Good Lord did that annoy me! I feel like I need to just pack my bags and move to California. I'm sort of a hippie and I just want all the races to join together as one. There is so much multicultrism in California I'd probably be overwhelmed. But I'm sure I wouldn't like living there cause I love living in the South for some odd reason. I guess it's the simplicity of it all. But then there's the utter and ridiculous racism that I loathe! I don't like the seperation and the groups. I don't like Black people just looking out for Black people and White people just looking out for White people. I think everyone should like and care about people no matter the color of their skin. It just irks me that so many people just like people because of their skin color. That just irritates me so much! I hate these stereotypes and these thoughts of how someone is portrayed because of the color of their skin! It really annoys me. And so many people I know no matter their skin color do this. Plus people think that I want to be White because of the music I listen to, or they way I speak, or the way I act. This is sooooo stupid! Why is it that Blackness is defined by what music you like, the way you talk, and even the food you eat? Huh? Huh? What? That is so idiotic and ignorant it is beyond me! I came out of my mother's womb Black! That defines me as Black in my opinion. My Mom is Black. My Dad was Black. I'm Black! End of story! I do not have to prove that to anyone by listening to ridiculous garbage that demeans women and supports materialism. I don't have to prove it to anyone by talking in a the manner that people think all Black people talk like. I just want to be a person. That's all I am. Yes I am a Black person. Big deal! I like my Black skin and my Black hair. I like who I am. So why must the world and society ask for more? But alas, I must define myself and not let the ignorant words of people hold me back from being who I want to be. Society is so cloned and fake. People want you to fall into the systematic ways of things. They don't want you to be an individual or be someone unique. They want you to be a clone of your race or your age type. It is sickening how I can't even find that many people who aren't just like someone else. Everyone always falls into a type or a stereotype. Why,why,why! I don't know. This is just the way things are. I know unique people exist in this world and I should set out to find them. There's no need to dwell on the way things are.Just focus on who I am and my future.

Seedless Watermelon

Okay I know I complain about a lot of things. People get annoyed by this. I'm picky about my food choices and I want a lot of things to be organic. So I'm about to get to my point right about now. Okay so I'm always asking my fam to get me watermelon. Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon! I'm crazy about watermelon! Now that it's the summer time I'm trying to get in as much as possible to maybe cleanse my body of toxins. So my mom buys me a watermelon and I'm happy. I look down at the sticker and it says seedless. I'm kind of sure it won't taste as good. What is a seedless watermelon anyways? It has to be scientifically made. Seedless watermelon. I'm sure it's not natural. Oh no I think. I don't want to complain about it so I just cut it and put it on a plate. I eat a piece....ummmm.....not too good. You must know that I have eaten lots and lots of watermelon in my time so I know how a good one taste. So I just let it sit there and don't eat anymore of it. My whole watermelon moment is totally ruined. Things like this happen to me all the time. Let's say I want something. Then when I finally get it I'm excited as hell. I try it out and sometimes comes disappointment. I know I shouldn't complain to people cause they actually went and got the watermelon for me. Heck sometimes when I buy things for myself I'm disappointed. But I think I complain because If I ask them to buy something for me again I don't want the same out come. Especially when it concerns watermelon! I do not like wasting such a delicious fruit such as this. I know it seems very stupid to go so crazy about something as this. But I'm pretty darn serious about my watermelon. I hate to taste a bad one. There should be no bad ones. This has turned into quite a ridiculous post. But oh well. I said it.

First Post

So I wanted to go ahead and get the first post out of the way. I suppose this journal of sorts will include the deep amazing thoughts of the mind of a 2010 poet/young adult. This time that we live in right now is just uncontrolled to me. This society needs some sort of order. If not for the half way decent parenting of some people I'd probably be surrounded by apes and monkeys. I'm not saying I didn't have a little bit of a temper myself in the past. But people these days are incredibly disoriented. You turn on the news and here we go once more. It's like our society has become quite used to all of this rampant disorder. The kids these days act like they want to be 20 at the age of 12. I can't tell a 12 year old from a 17 year old at all anymore. Reality television has taken over our lives and our living rooms. I thank the Lord I was a 90's kid. I could not handle all this Hannah Montana and Jonas and blah blah! Good Lord! I need a little refuge sometimes and just want to look at an old Blossom or California Dreams episode. Gosh darn were the nineties something! I swear the air even smelled better then. But it might of just been my child hood and all the simpleness of youth I'm remembering. But these days I feel like I'm not even living here. I mean I'm living here but then that's the only choice. Mars is too far and I'm uncertain of what is there. When you get to be my age(lol! sound like a old person). But I think when you get to the time when your twenties are counting down your brain starts getting wiser. I'm not saying that everyone gets that way. But people who really are more than Friday nights and Monday mornings probably start thinking a lot more in this way. I've always been a huge thinker. Even when I didn't want to think I was thinking. My mind is in why this and why that mode twenty four seven. Other times God's in my ear. God is always in my ear. I believe if I wasn't a believer my life would be screwed. I'm alwayssss praying! Always praying every single minute! I pray before I leave the house, sleep, when I wake up and on and on and on. I love God. But I'm sure God wants to smack me in the face a couple times a day just like the family. I'm always saying I'm sorry God. Then I cry and pray he forgives me. Good Lord! God is like the ultimate therapist for me. I talk to him sooo much and just ask him to give me guidance and help me to not be so selfish. I have a real problem with selfishness. It probably comes from my fathers side. I don't know too much about him so I'm sure some of these not so desirable attributes of myself are from Daddy Dearest. I really don't know how I feel about the father thing though. I know when I was younger I was sad and crying and wondering. But now I feel nothing. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I feel like life happened. I have my mom, my sister, and my brother. This is the present. This is fate. What if I did grow up with my father? Wouldn't that change the order of every single situation in my whole life? Would that be for good or bad? You never know. You can't know. So just accept the way things turned out. Yeah life was a little rocky and dysfuntional. But you made it through. Isn't that someting? Yeah your journey is still ongoing. But you've had some good times and learned some very valuable lessons. Life is tough but life is living. So live tough! I guess I'll cut this one off at that.