Still Dealing With The Hardships Of Life...

Okay so I got a little sad last night again. Sadness comes and sadness goes. I was just thinking about my kidney disease and everything. I mean I don't really want to go under the knife for a kidney transplant. The idea of it all just terrifies me. I've been trying to get healthy and started walking and exercising. I was just spazzing out last night cause I have never drank, never smoked, tried to eat fruits and vegetables and lived a very bland and boring life. But then I get kidney disease!!!!! The unfairness of the whole situation just got to me again. My mom saw me crying and just told me to calm down. My situation is what it is. I got stressed out and probably exhausted and dehydrated while going to school and bam! I get kidney disease and my kidneys are failing. But I still have hope in God. Hope that my kidneys will magically heal themselves. I've been drinking lots of H2O and praying. But I really need to get back to my film and poetry. Can't halt my life because of this. I'm trying to get a portfolio together so I can go to this Art School I like in Nashville. I believe things will get better and my kidneys will too. What else can I do? I already wasted like half a year being depressed and sulking in my sadness. This is just life I guess. Life happens but I'm still living. This is just another thing for me to conquer and defeat. I must admit I miss my old friend Michelle. We're not friends anymore and I'm slowly trying to get used to that. I used to hang out with her all the time. Morning, noon, and night. But now I'm just trying to get my portfolio done and get finished with my poetry book. I keep wondering If I did the right thing with Michelle? I'm not God so I really can't know. But it was just the blatant black this and black that stuff that I can't deal with. She was a nice person although sort of short sighted of her faults. And I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. It just seemed liked the plight of black people is all that mattered to her. I couldn't stand that! People are people! All kinds of people are suffering in this world no matter their skin color. Of course I care about suffering black people. But I also care about suffering Spanish, Chinese, Caucasion, etc. Caring about one race is stupid to me. I just want intelliegent, compassionate, humanitarian people to be friends with. Race doesn't matter. We should help all people no matter their background. We shouldn't just be helping quote on quote "our people". All of God's children are our people If I'm not correct. Of course I've had some of these racists stereotypes touch my mind in the past too. Just got caught up in the hype of society's traditionalistic formulas. It's all over the television and all around you. People promote stereotypes every single day. I'm glad I've gotten away from people for a bit. I'm trying to focus on my poetry and film stuff now. When I was around Michelle my life was too fast paced. I had no silent thinking time to reflect. I think that's what drove me crazy also. I lost some of my poetry ways and just was really frustrated. I'm glad I'm back to writing poetry and cooling down. I can't even believe all of the yelling and anger coming from me in some of these past years. I'm like...calm down. What's wrong with you? But now I feel like I've slowly stepped away from a lot of that. I do have Michelle to thank for that in a way. You see she's very complicated! Some days you love her and some days you don't even want to hear the mention of her name! I swear I don't know how to feel about her. I must admit I still regret not going to her birthday party. It was rather cold hearted to do that. But If I recall I had a fever like a week earlier and she called talking on the phone about an mp3 player I think. That just got me really angry I think. I just think that just made me want to cut ties rigth there. I mean I know I'm not the sweetest gentlest of friends. But C'mon she could have at least faked it! Sometimes fake care is better than no care! But then I guess she realized her mistake and called back and asked how I was doing.I think it was too late for me by then. I was just mad. I was so mad by then. But it's been a month or so and that has passed. But I'm still wondering about us. Let's just put it out there. Both of us are mentally messed up in some ways. Should we really be friends?? We bring out the worst in each other. Tacarra didn't believe it was over. She thought me and Michelle were just having a bit of a time out or something. But now she's not talking to me either. I think Michelle talked to her and told her what happened. I guess I know what side she's on. Oh well. That's life! I mean I don't know if it really hurts me that these peeps have stopped communicating with me. I mean so many black people think it's okay to just care about just black people! It's like this. Slavery, segregation, etc. Excuses,excuses, Excuses. I mean I agree that slavery and segregation were absolutely despicable. Duh! But I believe those people fought for something more than just" black power' and for black people to play the race card. I think a lot of their intentions were for the youth like myself. For me to choose to be an individual and not a color. For me to define myself as whatever I want to be. Not for me to keep creating more barriers and more seperation amongst people. But a lot of black people do it. They just want to give to "Black organizations" and "black this" and black that". Like I said before. Nothing is wrong with caring about black people. Because they are just people! Just like everyone else. If a lot more black people just thought of themselves this way the world would be better. But the black culture emerses themelves in stereotypes and ideas of the race. From the way you talk, the music you listen to, and the food we eat. This is 2010! I've seen many great white dancers. I've seen really good black rock singers. I've seen both white and black people eat watermelon. I've seen people! People can do whatever the hell they want to do no matter their skin color! I really think it's the environment though. A lot of black and white people just live in environments of only black and only white. So a lot of people just see one color because they only live around one color. I really don't like that! Of course their are racist white people. Duh! Who cares though? Let them be racist and pray for them. Pray that they change their ways and become a better person. Don't hate someone just because they hate you. I don't get that. Most people should feel sorry for someone carrying so much hate in their hearts. But no. A lot of people just make the situation worse and start even more hate. More prejudice and more ignorance. I can't stand that. But their logic is that it's okay because the other group is doing it. Seems to be the logic people follow these days. It's sad really. I always wish this world could live up to it's full potential. But that is just a dream when you bring in the complications of this society. People get brainwashed, abused, molested, etc. Things like this don't make for good citizens. And yes, some may overcome their pain. But you know most don't. And that's why this world is sooooo out of control. I pray for this people. I know many of them have had hard times and they're just caught in moments of frustration. I know a lot of them will get back up and dust themselves off. But then their are the ones you will surely hear about on the 5 o'clock news. I feel like so many people could maybe be changed. If only they could of had some one to help them in the right direction. I don't know. I feel like Michelle helped my life a bit. She helped me to find the stronger me. That's why I don't regret our friendship.I have to say before I met her I was weak minded and thought so low of myself. But all of that's gone. I love my self in the highest regards now! No one can bring me down and no one can make me feel like an outcast. I know I am beautiful and I know that I can do anything I put my mind to. If I have determination in my self I will prevail and be victorious in anything I do! I really wish Michelle could see that in herself. I mean she taught me a lot and I don't see why she still has so many problems with herself. Could be that crazy ass family of hers though. Good Lord those people!. I hate to say it. But her house was no home! I'm kind of relieved not to be going their anymore. Of course we had lots of good times there. But there was always the foul smell of dysfunction looming in the air. I mean every family has it's quarrels. But Good Lord! I feel for her. She hides a lot of that sadness under smiles and just lives in those freakin anime videos! Endless distractions. She may have ADD cause she was always trying to do like a million things at a time. Always trying to do sooo much! Well that got annoying too. That's why I wonder if our friendship could even last. So many things she did tired me and drove me crazy! She's kind of distant and so am I. We may have been friends but we didn't have that bond. I don't know If I'm asking for too much. But I want that bond. That thing you see on TV with friends who go to the ends of the Earth for one another. I'm not saying do anything drastic! I'm just saying friends who you feel like you know they have your back. I kind of felt that with her at times. But most of the time it just felt like she did stuff to make people happy. It lacked that real true feeling. I don't want people to do things to make me happy. I want them to do things just because they truly want to do them because they care about me. I hate that she wanted to please people sooo much! I think it's better to just let people down instead of making confusing situations that frustrate people. I don't know. There's always tomorrow. Well this has pretty much turned into a "Michelle Blog". I really don't know how to feel about her. She's not a bad person. She's just a human being like all other human beings. But she tries too much and she doesn't understand people want more than just bend over backwards to make them happy. At least I do. Her heart was in the right places at times. But she just tried to much. Of course I was no birthday party either! I had my times of childishness and frustration.I'm trying to get that together. I don't like being compared to a child. I am no child! I am an intelligent, and determined adult! Well i guess I'll end it at that. This is my life. I have some regrets. But I believe in time life will show me what all this is for...